ramblings [16 Nov 2006|05:27pm] Wow. I haven't posted in this journal in a long while. I was reading through my old entries, tracking the history of myself throughout these last 2 years, and it made me sadder than I think I have ever been. My life has been drastically changed since meeting Christi, Jasmine, Jenn, etc. and as I was reliving all the moments via blog posts (mine and yours - yes I creeper stalked you kenny, jasmine, christi) I realized something: nothing will be the same. I want so badly to hold onto all the old memories that I have shared. All the old times have been rushing onto me, and it really sucks. really sucks. This journal in particular is a harsh memory of all the hard times that I experienced before (and the day after) Christi and I started dating. But when I was reading all these obscure memories, I began to feel something very disturbing. I'm sure I'm not the only who associates certain time with a vague "feeling". I'm not sure exactly how to describe it other than saying that its like I am able to recall my "state of mind" for specific periods in my life. For example, my highschool days "feel" like the way I felt when I was out with my friends in the summer skateboarding. My days with Chelsea "feel" like... well actually they feel fairly numb. The days (the ones this journal contain) of the first half of my senior year feel... well it sounds strange and cliche to say it, but they feel like autumn rain. And the times I spent with Christi (under the blanket at Calavera park, watching the Exorcist, in San Diego) feel as if I am inside by the fireplace while the rain is outside. And now, I feel EXACTLY like the rain. It's cold, wet and lonely. I feel as if all the progress I had made - the progress that makes me who I am (emotionally, especially), is on the brink of disappearing. As if I am going right back to where I started - before Christi. This fact alone makes me very afraid. I feel lonely. Because, in retrospect, I see no real problems in our relationship (aside from the usual ones). And I guess, its always going to be this way, because to me, Christi was the ideal friend, and she made me happier than I think she ever could know. There are times when I wish I could have done something different, to make her love me more. There are times when I just want to curl up and be alone. There are also times when I'm actually able to forget about all of this. I hate all of those times, and I'm not sure where to go from here. dance 2 away [♣] put music to my troubles

[25 Dec 2004|05:35pm] this is my place where i put things that i don't want everybody to see... //cameron (check my regular blog out at iamthepresidnt) dance 1 away [♣] put music to my troubles

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